Harry Potter and the Putrid Spam
by so hum shivo hum
Summary: Spam for lunch at Hogwarts had consequences that none of the staff foresaw.... Also, Snape turns mean, and Hagrid finds out what skrewts like to eat


Harry Potter and the Putrid Spam  
Rating: G-PG (somewhere between for a brawl and bleeped profanity)  
Time Frame: Harry is in his fourth year, before the Tournament  
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story, I don't own the location, and I am glad  
to say that I don't own spam.  
Summary: Spam for lunch at Hogwarts had some consequences that none of the staff foresaw.... Also,   
Professor Snape turns nasty, Hagrid finds out what the skrewts like to eat, and Harry & Co. fade out in the   
middle.  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Harry Potter and the Putrid Spam  
  
  
It was lunchtime at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The fourth-years marvelled at   
how bright the sunlight in the Entrance Hall was. Having come from Defence Against the Dark Arts, they were  
in good moods. Then they opened the door to the Great Hall....  
And collided with Fred, George, Angelina, and Alicia, running for dear life away from the Hall.  
"Don't go in there!" a sixth-year Hufflepuff shouted, helping a first-year to the hospital wing, "They   
served SPAM!"  
Harry, Dean and Hermione looked very, very ill. The rest exchanged looks that clearly said "What?  
Did you understand that? I didn't either."  
"Well, it can't be that bad." said Seamus, "Likely they just ate too much."  
"Don't bet on it." quipped Harry.  
"And if it makes Malfoy sick, we can't really complain." Ron smiled.  
So the non-muggle-borns (Seamus, Ron, and Neville) sat down at the Gryffindor table. Harry, Dean,   
and Hermione wandered off, away from the foul abomination they knew was SPAM.  
  
"It doesn't taste that bad," remarked Neville, "as long as you ignore the colour, the taste, and the texture."  
Across the room, Pansy Parkinson dropped to the floor, clutching her stomach and groaning. Her face  
had turned green, and she reminded the Gryffindors of a seasick crocodile.  
"Somehow I'm not hungry anymore." muttered Seamus.  
"Join the club." quipped Ron, "We might as well leave. We've got Care of Magical Creatures in half an hour.  
  
Half an hour later....  
  
Hagrid has set the class to taking care of the skrewts, so Harry, Ron, and Hermione had some time to talk.  
"So, did you brave the SPAM?" asked Harry.  
"Of course not." said Ron, "I may not be the brightest star in the sky, but I'm not that dumb.- Hey! Check  
out Malfoy!!"  
Draco Malfoy let out an almighty belch, and the skrewts smelled the SPAM and jumped on him. After the  
skrewts had been subdued, the Gryffindors, Slytherins, and Hagrid found that Malfoy had fainted.  
They also found that Malfoy had transformed into a Badly Deformed Pig. Neville promptly threw up. Then   
everyone who actually ate the SPAM (everyone but Harry, Hermione, Dean, Ron, Seamus, and Neville, who threw his  
up) let out omnipotent belches. The skrewts were going beserk. [AN- Looks as though Hagrid's found out what they   
like to eat] Then everyone who ate the SPAM turned into Badly Deformed Pigs as well.  
Hagrid ran into the castle to find Dumbledore. The Badly Deformed Pigs (BDP's) started to snort at each   
other.  
"Sounds as though they're starting a fight." remarked Hermione.  
Hermione was proven right when the BDP that was Draco started to pound the living daylights out of the   
BDP that was Goyle, who started to attack the BDP that was Crabbe, who started to fight with the BDP that was   
Who-Knows-Who, and so forth, and so forth. The fight was kept within the BDP's until the BDP's that were Parvati  
and Lavendar ganged up on Hermione. Ron and Harry whipped out their wands, but before they had a chance to start  
hexing everyone, the BDP that was Draco stopped pounding the BDP that was Goyle and started to pummel Harry. Of  
course the rest of the Gryffindors jumped into the fray. Now there was an almighty free-for-all going on.  
  
Five minutes later, Hagrid got back with Professors Dumbledore, Snape, and McGonagall in tow.  
"Fifty points from Gryffindor if you don't stop this nonsense right now!" shrieked Professor McGonagall.  
The Gryffindors immediately stopped fighting, but the Slytherins kept on pounding each other like there was  
no tomorrow.  
"Five hundred points from Slytherin if you don't stop this rubbish right now." whispered Professor Snape.  
Both houses, Professor McGonagall, and Hagrid all fainted at the sight of Snape-the biased-scumbag   
threatening to take so many points off his own house.  
"That worked rather well Severus." remarked Dumbledore.  
"Thank you Headmaster." answered Snape, "Now how about we get these Badly Deformed Pigs into the  
castle and figure out a way to turn them back."  
"A capital idea, Severus." agreed Dumbledore. "Shall we?"  
So they magically levitated all of the unconscious people back up to the castle.  
  
Four hours later, the only success the staff had had was to give the BDP's back their voices. Crabbe and   
Goyle were simply grunting at each other. Lavendar and Parvati were sitting in the middle of the floor, lamenting how  
they were Professor Trelawney's 'best students' and they hadn't seen this coming. Draco was sitting in the corner,   
sulking.  
Hagrid dragged Draco over to where Snape and Dumbledore were trying to brew an antidote to the SPAM.  
When Snape accidentally spilled the potion, it ate through the table. Snape grinned evilly.  
Hagrid was holding on to Draco, who was squealing like, well, a stuck pig. Dumbledore forced Draco's   
mouth open, and Snape dumped a beaker of the so-called antidote down Draco's throat.  
Two minutes later, there was a loud pop, and Draco had turned into a six-foot long slug.  
As everyone (except Draco) burst out laughing, Draco threw a fit. The whole effect was actually quite comical,  
with a giant slug screaming, "WHAT THE #*&$ DID YOU DO TO ME SNAPE?! WHEN MY FATHER HEARS   
ABOUT THIS %#!* EPISODE, HE'S GONNA KICK YOUR @#$! *#!% WITH THAT, HE'LL *&#% $@#& YOUR  
@%& AND &%#$ !$#@-"  
Draco was suddenly interrupted when Snape hit him with a spell that gagged him.  
"Mister Malfoy, contrary to popular belief, it is NOT our fault that you ate SPAM, it is your own," Snape sneered,  
"And that fine exhibition of profane language has cost Slythern 90 points, ten for each swearword. In addition, you now have   
nine detentions to be served with me at a time of my choosing, most likely during exams, or just before."  
At this point, Malfoy fainted, and Snape went back to finding a cure.  
  
Five hours later, Snape thought he actually had the cure this time. As Malfoy got groggily to a slug's equivalent of  
feet, Hagrid dragged him over to Snape. Snape spooned the potion (actually glop) into a beaker, and dumped it down Malfoy's   
throat. Malfoy farted and turned into a brussels sprout. Snape suppressed a grin.  
Then something occured to Professor McGonagall. "Well, why don't we just try feeding them SPAM again?" she  
proposed, "The worst it can do is kill them."  
At this, the BDP's that were Parvati and Lavendar fainted.  
The other professors agreed, and Professor Dumbledore conjured some SPAM. Draco was effortlessly carried over.  
He was trying to struggle, but seeing as he's now a brussels sprout, he wasn't succeeding. It turns out that brussels sprouts have  
quite a high-pitched scream. Snape stood over Draco with a miniature spoon loaded with SPAM....  
  
To be continued.  
AN- if anyone has ideas for the next chapter, either review, or e-mail me at evylljedi@hotmail.com. Thanx. :D 


End file.
